Thoughts Float By Like Clouds
A [sorta] quick word on meditation 💭 ☁️
PSA: I am a novice and do not consider myself an expert in this area at all. I am a student, I remain teachable. This is simply my experience.
Sometimes a seed is planted when you least expect it, and you can water that seed at any time, give it light and watch it grow. The seed for me was with meditation and it was about 3 years ago during a spiritual talk with a wonderful man & friend named Bill. We were eating at Bareback (my fave) in Pacific Beach, CA. I was talking about my struggles in life: always second guessing myself, need for perfection, intensely gripping fear, anxiety, failing relationships. I was telling him about the burden and weight I carry with me daily. For the life of me, I will never be able to recall the exact words he used, but he told me a story about his relationship with his wife and how they were both struggling, until one day his friend said to them (not quoting him word for word but this was my recollection)..."you both must meditate. And just do it every day for the rest of your lives.”
It clicked for he and his wife, and they have been meditating ever since. He reported having a wonderful and loving relationship with her that he never thought possible. And mannnnn let me tell you, that settled into my stubborn brain and connected all the frazzled wires. I wouldn’t say that my journey of meditation was immediately consistent, but I remember the days following, I made a BEGINNING on my journey. For the next year I picked up meditation and put it back down many times. I was consistent and then gave up entirely. But regardless of my inconcistencies, something had changed... I THOUGHT about meditation a lot more than I ever did. I felt a longing and yearning for more discovery there. Thank You for this seed Bill & thank you Taylor for connecting us. This night deeply moved my life in a different direction because of you both!
About a year later, I stumbled upon Kundalini Yoga (<—click for more info) and that was it...My life and relationship with meditation was about to be catapulted into the next phase. I FELL IN LOVE with kundalini and it became the most emotionally cleansing form of yoga I had ever done. It taught me how to feel deep emotions that I was repressing, it gave me confidence and most importantly it gave me peace & freedoms from emotional and physical pain.. Along the way it also taught me how to meditate using breathing techniques and chanting. I wish there was a better word than BEAUTIFUL to describe my experience, but I guess that will suffice. I met a wonderful & graceful Kundalini teacher, Chelcy Pine, who became a friend. This woman!!! I do not have enough words to do her justice! I felt like our hearts just connected and we knew one another and understood one another. I can confidently say she changed my life in more ways than she even knows.
When I planned to move from San Diego to Milwaukee, I was devastated because I would no longer have access to this slice of heaven I had been graced with. I dropped my own seed in Chelcy’s lap... “Maybe you can bring kundalini to people virtually who don’t have access to this beautiful practice.” She and Heather Sweeney made that happen a few months after I moved. But in between that time period I had lost my practice of meditation and yoga. And to say the least I had lost myself. I was so riddled with loneliness, fear & despair that I had no faith my life would ever get better. One day, three-hundred and fifty-four days ago, I was in the trenches of complete misery. Plagued with chronic depression, anxiety, IBS, autoimmune disease, and acute fibromyalgia pain. I was buried under the weight of compromised health mentally & physically. My intuitive thought and divine inspiration came to me naturally... “You will become well, through and through when you take time for yourself.” And out of desperation and with no second thought I knew that meant adding a meditation practice back into my life. And so I did, right in my house....and little by slowly, a few minutes at a time, I have made it to 345 mornings of consistency. I have spent anywhere from 5-30 minutes, practicing poses, meditations, breathing techniques & chanting mantras, along with ‘40 days to freedom’ challenge that Chelcy & Heather created, which I added into my routine. These practices coupled with my own, have saved my life.
My practice built upon itself from the humble beginnings of just desperately getting it done, to longer sessions and genuine enjoyment. I have done the same Kriya almost every day (a series of postures, breath, and sound that work toward a specific outcome. Practicing a kriya initiates a sequence of physical and mental changes that affect the body, mind, and spirit simultaneously.) Now that may sound boring, but my body and mind are not very disciplined, so I intuitively craved the gift of consistency. I guess I took that seriously, since I keep repeating the same kriya every day. This is easier for me than trying to change too often. It made the commitment a lot easier.
Over the course of time, my brain has changed in ways I didn’t even notice at first. I received the gifts of feeling calmer, less occurrence of impending doom, more recognition of negativity within me and around me, a faith that God is upon me, a stronger connection to myself & others. And even more surprisingly, my body & physical state began to heal from the negative affects of stress, anxiety & depression. My health began to connect, full circle! In turn I began WANTING to take better care of myself all around. I began implementing weekly workouts, eating clean & drinking more water. Pretty amazing huh? What makes it more amazing is that this body mind connection is backed by science, so it wasn’t just in my head.
In meditation we learn that within the silence, thoughts will come. The point of meditation is not perfection. It is not becoming completely rid of thought right away (or maybe ever), but to instead become aware of the thoughts and let them pass by like clouds in the sky. Author Ben Hardy wrote in Medium that, “In 2005, the National Science Foundation published an article showing that the average person has between 12,000 and 60,000 thoughts per day. Of those, 80% are negative and 95% are exactly the same repetitive thoughts as the day before.” If you’re anything like me, you probably lean more towards the 60k mark, which I don’t need to state, is an incredible number of thoughts. Our thought, as shown in this study, are usually negative and can easily become a hamster
wheel that repeats over and over again. The problem is, we often do not notice the actual thoughts trapped between our ears. And for me, that’s where meditation every morning comes into play. The more often I sit and make that dedication to myself, using mantras and merely observing my thoughts, the more often I can notice my thought process during the day in my “conscious” state. Naturally, our brains are lazy. They do not discipline well on their own. It takes repetition & practice to get this...even just a little bit.
My words could never be enough to express how meditation and Kundalini have transformed my soul. I am so grateful to my teachers and to the people who have been placed into my life so that I could tap into this self-love I very desperately needed.
So, let a seed be planted here! Water it when you’re moved to. Lean into your struggle, push into the pain, meet yourself where you’re at and just move slowly from there. FEEL it all, but regardless of how you feel, just do it. The discipline is in doing the work when we don’t want to, and I’m my experience that’s where the most growth comes from. My biggest obstacle in this has been shedding away the idea of perfection. I had so much pressure on myself to "do meditation correctly or not do it at all." No, no no no no. Don't be like me! hah. And if you are like me, then challenge yourself, as I did, to say FUCK IT to having a perfect meditation practice. Hell, my daily practice is a mess some days, but I still give myself that act of self-love regardless. So like my friend Bill shared with me...you must meditate, and just do it every day for the rest of your life. Simplicity never sounded so complicated 😉 I hear your resistance because I am the same! But what I have learned is everything will be as complicated as we create it to be. This road block you’re experiencing, just takes a hurdle jump to get over, it’s not as big of a mountain to climb as it seems. I bid you well on your personal journey. Sat Nam! 🙏🏼
If you’re struggling on where to begin please feel free to reach out at any time! I’m also open to blog post suggestions regarding these types of subjects. I am thinking of doing a simple step by step to piggy back off this post! Yes? No?. Let me know! Alax.firstname.lastname@example.org 💜